Posted in Poetry

On The Outside Looking In

During the month of December, I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.
Everyone is close with family and friends.
I’ve always struggled with doing just that.
Sitting back and watching I try to grasp what’s going on, yet it’s tough to do so.

I watch others wrap gifts with ease and put them under the tree.
When it comes to my turn, I struggle with it, I struggle with all aspects of it.
Including struggling with buying gifts for people, even though lists have been made.
The struggle is real with me and it makes me feel more useless than ever.

Often wondered if something was wrong with me with how much I struggle .
But find it very difficult to explain things to people or to talk about it.
I continue to watch from the outside as I look in, similar to window shopping.
This year seems particularly difficult, I’ve also had trouble being alone.

So I attempt to push myself to go hang out with relatives, yet I sit quiet.
I say very little and when I’m called upon I struggle to speak
Hearing my voice shake, feeling my body do the same.
It makes me want to stop and give up and get angry with myself.

Once again feeling like something is wrong with me, I doubt anything can fix it
I doubt anyone can fix it. Sadly at times I get like that talking to friends through text.
When they find out, they ask why. I can’t explain it. I guess communication is difficult.
It’s like static is on my brain, it intercepts my communication making me struggle more.

Ken

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Posted in Life

Woke Up Feeling Sad/Depressed

So that’s how I woke up today, not sure it’s cause it’s the month that’s causing it or what is causing it.
At times I try to get rid of it and try to do something that will help me snap out of it sort to speak, but the last bout ten plus times I’ve woke up like this I chose not to try to snap out of it… It’s clear to me that’s how I should feel for the day.

Nothing bad has came from it, I haven’t hurt myself in anyway at least not physically, emotionally is another story but I’ve always done that and I’m sure I’m not the only one who does.

Well onto the rest of my day to see what all happens.

Posted in Life

Not Exactly How I Want To Start Monday..

It appeared that as Sunday continued I started to feel not so great, well here I sit at 217am and even though I got out of bed I’m rather regretting it.. I can see me heading back to bed and putting on some movie to drown myself into.

I certainly hope that I feel better by the time I wake up, not sure if it’s cause how much I ate or what’s causing it…  but the idea of just laying in bed and not doing much is currently becoming very appealing to me.

I’ve had the thought of putting one or two of the sites I’ve done in the past online.. At times I like to tinker with that sort of thing from time to time, but  I haven’t fully decided if I’m going to or not… the idea comes, the idea goes.

I’ve also had an idea for a story too, not sure if it’ll see the light of day or not… I don’t write everything that comes to mind but I usually give things a day or two to see if it’s still bouncing around in my brain if it is then the idea clearly is something I should write.

It’s kinda like the whole html website ordeal… maybe I should bring it online… I haven’t decided…
But right now I’m trying not to spend much time at the computer since I think I just want to lay down in bed.

Still trying to decide what to watch when I crawl back into bed

One last thing, I know the for the last little while I’ve laid off using tags, and just let things work for me… I have had the brief idea of going back and using tags. I haven’t fully decided yet because things have been working quite fine without the tags…

Ken

Posted in Poetry

The Way You Act

The way you act says a lot about you to me.
Trying to be nice and polite, spending time with you watching netflix.
Asking the odd question at times not even during the show I hear your attitude.
As I hear it more and more I take note and I start doing things more for me, less for you.

Took off to Cambridge for about five days, you never found out till the day before.
I debated about saying anything to you about it, but when I found out I should bring food
That told me I had to get into a town, so that’s when it came out.
Then today, holy shit today.

You seem to think that I don’t know what’s going on, fuck I know you got a date.
Your going to your work’s Christmas Party.. I know the asshole your going with.
I also know you enjoy talking shit about me, but yet your still living in my house.
Give it time, my patients is like ice and it’s wearing thin.. Thin ice breaks easily.

I know you’ll never admit it to me about you going on dates or having a boyfriend.
Why would you ?..
But yet you’ll give me attitude when others aren’t around, it’s fine..
I’ve started not play those games too.

I’ve always had anxiety about the fire, Mom doesn’t understand it. You say you do
But with your attitude your the one putting wood on it, I know it’s a bit heavy.
Your no doubt whining to your mom about doing it..
But if you don’t speak up to me, I won’t know.

I bet if you come home tonight from this party and you find out I didn’t eat.
You’ll get pissy, honestly I won’t even care.
I learned something about myself while away in Cambridge.
When I’m around you, I snack and eat no matter if I’m hungry or not.

When your not around, I don’t. I will only do so if I’m hungry
No wonder I’ve lost weight since we’ve split.
When your stressed you run right for the food.
I’ve looked at my own life since that day.

Have been making changes ever since.
Tonight, I’m going to have a ME evening for a few hours.
Going to enjoy it.
Got a few things planned

Ken