Posted in Life

Shaking

Well as I type this we are having the propane installed.

Needless to say I’m shaking.

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Posted in Life

Was told to think about my future…

So I got told today by Mom to think about my future, since she’s worried about me if anything happens to her.. She’s trying to push me to go work with a cousin of mine who I don’t get along with because she’s an annoying bitch and thinks she knows everything..  I’ve never gotten along with her and I’ve made it rather vocal the last number of years.

Mom continued with asking me “what would you do if something happened to me ?” … I didn’t reply because honestly I figured if that happened I know I would be homeless since I doubt any of my family would want me, so either live in a homeless shelter or take my own life and at times I can see me doing the second one before Mom passing or shortly after.

I’ve had that thought in my head since high school about doing it, I didn’t do it back then but I thought about it a lot, I did cut myself the odd time and I still have one or two scars on my body from it. But that’s what I see for my life and my future. I’ve basically never had a chance in this life, I’ve always been told no. Which means i’ll be stuck living with Mom until something happens to her, unless I do that first or no doubt wait and see who would take me afterwards.. It’ll no doubt be my cousin who takes me in, who lives up north and I know if that happens I’ll have less of a life than I do now because I definitely won’t see anyone that I know ever again since nobody will travel up that way to see me.

So there you go, that’s basically the future of my life, I woke up feeling rather sad and been trying to snap out of it.. but nothing has worked and that talk didn’t help the situation.

Ken

Posted in Writing

The Diary Of Ken – The City – Now Home

As I said in the first part that I went down to Toronto for a few hours to say bye to my cousin Chris whose moving down to Australia ..

I’m now home, the evening was your typical evening, I basically spent it in silence. I didn’t talk much while I was there but I rarely do at family functions, it’s a mix of not having much to say and nobody talks to me much, no doubt for the same reason.. Anyways so I sat in silence and just listened to everyone talk and wondered why I went since I tend to avoid family functions for the reason of not talking. But it was nice to see Chris. I told him to keep in touch before we left to come home.

That was basically my day, I’m now at home. So my evening is basically done.

As I mentioned in a few posts ago I thought about putting a few of my older sites online. I currently have one, I’m debating about putting another one online this evening since it should help basically kill my evening..

I thought about gathering a bunch of the sites I have backed up and posting them all online as sort of one big site all about me, I’ve been told that I should but it’s really going to depend on the site I’m posting online tonight because if I get tired of it then I won’t bother with doing another site since I know as I type this I’m struggling with doing the one site I have already created and it’s making me question about doing the other site I have thought about putting online.

But time will tell if I put it online or not.

Ken

Posted in Writing

The Diary Of Ken – The City

So I’m heading myself to the city today for a few hours and by city I do actually mean Toronto, I don’t live in a city myself but that’s beside the point. I’ll be saying goodbye to a cousin of mine who will be joining his wife and kids over in Australia. He had to stay here to finish renovations of the house they were living in so they could sell it. I don’t know when he’ll be leaving but today is the day people are gathering at my Aunt’s in Toronto to say goodbye to him.

This will be different for me as it will be for many people, my Aunt in Toronto lost her husband not long ago and this is the first time I’ve stepped foot into her house since her husband passed away.

It’ll be nice to see Chris (cousin) one last time since I get the feeling that I won’t be seeing him anymore once he leaves the country, I mean sure he’s told the entire family “your welcome to visit” but let’s face it I’m sure it’s not cheap to fly from Canada to Australia.  I’m sure it’ll be a huge change for him to say the lease, but his wife is from Australia so I guess they want to go back and be with her family for a while.. Or something more is going on, but I’m not going to sit here and speculate.

I’ve never really been close to Chris. I know we talk now and then and for the most part I tend to avoid family functions since they’re too “peopley”.. that and very few of my cousin’s I get along with.

I know this won’t be an all day excursion to Toronto, from what I’m told it’ll just be for a few hours. But I know that will be a “we’ll see how it goes” since I can see it lasting longer than what Mom figures it will. But it will get me out of the house for a few hours.

Well I better go get ready, I’ve just been reminded that we’ll be leaving in about an hour and I’m sure that time will no doubt fly.

Ken

Posted in Poetry

On The Outside Looking In

During the month of December, I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.
Everyone is close with family and friends.
I’ve always struggled with doing just that.
Sitting back and watching I try to grasp what’s going on, yet it’s tough to do so.

I watch others wrap gifts with ease and put them under the tree.
When it comes to my turn, I struggle with it, I struggle with all aspects of it.
Including struggling with buying gifts for people, even though lists have been made.
The struggle is real with me and it makes me feel more useless than ever.

Often wondered if something was wrong with me with how much I struggle .
But find it very difficult to explain things to people or to talk about it.
I continue to watch from the outside as I look in, similar to window shopping.
This year seems particularly difficult, I’ve also had trouble being alone.

So I attempt to push myself to go hang out with relatives, yet I sit quiet.
I say very little and when I’m called upon I struggle to speak
Hearing my voice shake, feeling my body do the same.
It makes me want to stop and give up and get angry with myself.

Once again feeling like something is wrong with me, I doubt anything can fix it
I doubt anyone can fix it. Sadly at times I get like that talking to friends through text.
When they find out, they ask why. I can’t explain it. I guess communication is difficult.
It’s like static is on my brain, it intercepts my communication making me struggle more.

Ken