During the month of December, I always feel like I’m on the outside looking in.
Everyone is close with family and friends.
I’ve always struggled with doing just that.
Sitting back and watching I try to grasp what’s going on, yet it’s tough to do so.
I watch others wrap gifts with ease and put them under the tree.
When it comes to my turn, I struggle with it, I struggle with all aspects of it.
Including struggling with buying gifts for people, even though lists have been made.
The struggle is real with me and it makes me feel more useless than ever.
Often wondered if something was wrong with me with how much I struggle .
But find it very difficult to explain things to people or to talk about it.
I continue to watch from the outside as I look in, similar to window shopping.
This year seems particularly difficult, I’ve also had trouble being alone.
So I attempt to push myself to go hang out with relatives, yet I sit quiet.
I say very little and when I’m called upon I struggle to speak
Hearing my voice shake, feeling my body do the same.
It makes me want to stop and give up and get angry with myself.
Once again feeling like something is wrong with me, I doubt anything can fix it
I doubt anyone can fix it. Sadly at times I get like that talking to friends through text.
When they find out, they ask why. I can’t explain it. I guess communication is difficult.
It’s like static is on my brain, it intercepts my communication making me struggle more.