Today I was asked if I wanted to go to my ex’s parents place, at first I was going to since I’ve been having trouble being alone as of late. She then got an email from her Mom talking about a few accidents that happened since they got more snow than we have and it made my stomach clench so I then reversed my decision to “nope, I’m going to stay home”.. I know when I end up being home alone I start to feel lonely and at times even scared, I know that sounds pathetic that a 36 year old would be scared of being alone at home. But I know it comes with feeling lonely, what can I say I hate traveling in the winter at times I grip anything I can as hard as I can because winter driving scares the shit outta me. It has for a while now for about twelve years but when I go up to her parents place I feel unwanted so what feeling do I contend with ?. It’s almost like it’s a boxing match going on inside my head but in the corner of unwanted also has snowy travel that gives it’s own boost. Today I chose to stay home, I don’t know if anyone would have won in that fight. At times it causes me to shake when I think about traveling during the winter. But I hate being home alone so it’s a tough choice to make.
Well I’m going to just finish this cause it’s only 230pm and I’m starting to shake… I’m going to go hide now