Tired Of This…

So all my life I grew up in a house where my voice meant nothing. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always been the very very quiet kid, my parents didn’t listen to me they always had the attitude of “what we say is right, don’t argue just shut the fuck up and do it”.

Back in 2005 when Dad passed away I figured things would change, turns out it didn’t. My brother basically got “promoted” and my voice got quieter to less than an actual whisper. If that’s even possible.

When it comes to my Mom she doesn’t “Talk” to me… She yells at me because she’s always right and it’s almost like she feels like I should bow down and worship her and praise her like some higher being…

Fuck, her boyfriend has more “sonority” than me and he gets listened to more than I did and I even get yelled at in front of him and yet here I am at 36 and I have no voice..  More so a voice that means nothing, I get yelled at constantly because anytime I try to talk my mom bitches at me because “I talk down to her” … Yup have no voice and no say in this house but expected to do everything including everything that I disagree with.

I already know I’m going to end up homeless because I have no voice and I don’t know how to communicate with people, but I’ve known that for a while now. I would like to say things will change but they won’t..

I’ve actually had the thought before of getting my lips sewn shut or if possible my voice box removed because what’s the point of having it. No wonder I use to do things like I did in high school, I use to cut myself upon occasion in high school. I also had many dark and depressing thoughts and when I went to bed I would always pray… But not for good things, I lay in bed in tears and I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning

Kennie

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