Welcome to inside my mind, I would call this part 1 but for there to be a part one it means that I’ll be doing many more of these and the thing is I can’t promise that sort of thing.
Many people come to this site through various sources and they have honestly came looking for a number of different topics and stories and while many may say that I’m “very talented” I know everything that I write has some influence on my life in some way shape or form…
Now do you want to know the secret ?
Many people like the fact that I wrote erotica and to some people I have written a lot of it, to others I have written little about it… To a small select bunch they think I shouldn’t write it because of my spelling &/or grammar but I’m not getting into that part of things
But the truth is every time I look at the erotica part of my brain and when I wrote about it. I look at it as very close if not equal to depression. When I wrote it, I was very down on myself. No matter if I was in a relationship or not when I wrote it I was very down on myself. I hated to write it but my brain kept telling me that I had to do that. When I was writing it I would develop a addiction to porn and I do mean a addiction… I would watch it every chance I would get even when people were home and it was just something I felt I needed to survive.
I didn’t like that part of me, I hated to write about it because it would drag me down and at times I would feel like I was drowning in it. Cause while I wrote about it my brain would come up with things that I would say “would that even be possible ?, has that been done before ?” … So it would send me searching for answers in hopes of figuring shit out for what I wrote. It wasn’t a great time in my life when I wrote that sort of stuff so the last thing that I wrote which I believe was Dare 3, will be the last thing in the world of erotica that I will write on the subject.
What others may not know is the original writing that I had for lots of what I wrote I had to heavily modify and rewrite so the insanely wild and fucked up shit that I would write about would be too over the top for distribution and I had to stay in a very tight guideline where if I didn’t there was a good chance of me not being able to get it distributed.
What sort of insanely wild and fucked up shit was I writing about ?, I honestly don’t remember.. But I will tell you this, I remember going to a porn site and saying “I’m going to cover every little subject that this porn site has to offer in my next book” … so if it had 35 subjects then my book would be around 35 pages covering each subject and the people in the book would be doing everything.. But while writing for some reason my brain would kick off things like “I wonder if I could include humour in this and if I did would people actually find it funny ? or would they think this guy is fucked up ?”
I also had a bit of conflict in it too which would lead to fucked up situations… One example of the humour was:
The guy was fucking the girl in the ass, he pulls his dick out and it’s got shit on it the guy says “holy fuck, my dick looks like a shitsicle” the girl questioned what he’s talking about and they get into an argument over her shitting on his dick. Then she would refuse to do various things with it through the rest of the pages because of what happened…
What would stop me though would be me saying “nobody is going to find that shit funny” which then drove my brain into further craziness and said “if she won’t do various things then I have to find something else she’ll do or how to get around that” so it lead to some fucked up situations which would ultimately push the book out of the guidelines.
It turned into a very fucked up situation for me mentally and at times it made me very depressed which lead me to not want to write because the erotica would get the biggest amount of reads so I would feel further forced into doing so. I felt like I was just flat out torturing my brain and myself.
So there you go, a inside look at my brain and why I’ll never write erotica again… If I had my way I would honestly delete it from my catalog but at this point in time I haven’t decided if I want to or not or what I would replace it with, since if I delete it, because of having certain numbers like a IBSN I think it’s called. I still have to use it so I would still have to replace it with something…
But if anyone has any suggestions I would gladly listen
Thanks for your time