So everyone is getting ready, making the final preparations for Tuesday, some are even jumping in the car to go visit family for that day. My Tuesday will be rather boring as it has been, at times it’ll be more depressing. Just going to be spending it with Mom, my brother and myself.
The unwrapping of gifts usually only lasts a matter of a few minutes, but this year it’ll be even shorter, much like recent years when we only unwrap stuff from people in the house where as with Mom’s boyfriend we all wait until the evening for when he shows up to unwrap his gifts since the morning and the better part of the day he spends it with his Mom. Then either for dinner or just after dinner he shows up, hangs out for a bit and eats (if he’s here in time for dinner) then we unwrap gifts that he brought.
If I remember correctly I don’t think we unwrapped gifts the first time last year until close to 4pm. I just didn’t want to get out of bed at the time so after a while my brother ventured back home since Mom told him “just let him sleep”.
The last few years we’ve talked about doing a no gift Christmas so that no one buys any gifts for each other and it’s really Mom’s choice if she wants to put up the tree or not, so far it’s just been talk. But I think we’re getting much closer to doing that, I think we should. Since in the family I’m the youngest and while this year I had about 10 items on my list, most of it was movies and gift cards. I had a few video games I think I listed 3, plus 3 bigger ticket items that I made mention on my list “can wait until summer” since I know Mom is a bit more strapped for cash than normal at this time of year.
I left out one video game that I’ve been kind of itching to play, because I was going to perhaps splurge and get it sometime between my birthday and now but it didn’t happen for one reason or another. So I may just splurge on Christmas or Boxing day and buy the download for it so that I have it whenever I finish the download., or at least that’s the plan right now. I don’t know if it’s going to happen or not like that but that is the plan that I have in my mind.
Well I guess I’m done here…
Well the way today is starting I wish I didn’t get out of bed this morning.. I’m actually rather convinced that things would have been better if I didn’t wake up this morning either but that’s beside the point.
People are better off without me around and I slow them down, or cause problems… Yup I get that, well I don’t actually get it but been told that enough that it must be true.. It’s like being told the sky is blue, is it really blue or have we just been told it’s blue enough that we’ve all decided to believe it and it’s forged into our brains ?
As per usual things continue not to go my way in various things I’ve tried so to be honest I’ve quit trying.. I guess you can say I’ve gotten to the point of saying “well I’ve tried for so long and nothing has changed so why try anymore ?” it will be how it is and I have no say in how things go nor can I change it.. So I’m no longer going to force things to change or question it, I’m just going to sit back and see what happens… I imagine what will happen is if it involves people I’ll get swept aside and sooner than later forgotten about since I’m not important, if it involves me questioning things or trying to help with things because I notice things that I don’t think is right then things will continue to be that way and no doubt break and I’ll just continue to be swept under the rug like normal.. Basically either way I’ll be swept under the rug for one reason or another, it’s something that I’m getting use to.
I had a thought for something I was going to write or perhaps do, but after I thought about it for the last 3 days and while the thought is still on my mind I have decided not to do the idea. Just not in the mood for doing it.. It’s something a bit sexual in a sense but I think I’m going to pass at doing it. I’m sure it’s not going to affect anyone that greatly by me not doing it so I don’t think it overly matters.
Well yesterday was an anniversary that I normally post about on facebook and here but I chose just to not to do that this year, got questioned by Mom if I made mention about it.. Told her no, got asked by my ex as well gave the same answer and apparently Mom got questioned by a few of her sisters about “not seeing Ken’s usual post”
What can I say I’m just tired of the anniversary and just didn’t want to make any mention about it so I chose not to, those who’ve followed me for a while or who are close to me know what I’m talking about… You new folks are being left out in the dark about this one but I’m sure if you go back and do your research using my blog you’ll find out, if your interested.
Not sure what else to say so I’m just going to post this and move on about my nightly activities
Well as I type this we are having the propane installed.
Needless to say I’m shaking.
So I got told today by Mom to think about my future, since she’s worried about me if anything happens to her.. She’s trying to push me to go work with a cousin of mine who I don’t get along with because she’s an annoying bitch and thinks she knows everything.. I’ve never gotten along with her and I’ve made it rather vocal the last number of years.
Mom continued with asking me “what would you do if something happened to me ?” … I didn’t reply because honestly I figured if that happened I know I would be homeless since I doubt any of my family would want me, so either live in a homeless shelter or take my own life and at times I can see me doing the second one before Mom passing or shortly after.
I’ve had that thought in my head since high school about doing it, I didn’t do it back then but I thought about it a lot, I did cut myself the odd time and I still have one or two scars on my body from it. But that’s what I see for my life and my future. I’ve basically never had a chance in this life, I’ve always been told no. Which means i’ll be stuck living with Mom until something happens to her, unless I do that first or no doubt wait and see who would take me afterwards.. It’ll no doubt be my cousin who takes me in, who lives up north and I know if that happens I’ll have less of a life than I do now because I definitely won’t see anyone that I know ever again since nobody will travel up that way to see me.
So there you go, that’s basically the future of my life, I woke up feeling rather sad and been trying to snap out of it.. but nothing has worked and that talk didn’t help the situation.
So that’s how I woke up today, not sure it’s cause it’s the month that’s causing it or what is causing it.
At times I try to get rid of it and try to do something that will help me snap out of it sort to speak, but the last bout ten plus times I’ve woke up like this I chose not to try to snap out of it… It’s clear to me that’s how I should feel for the day.
Nothing bad has came from it, I haven’t hurt myself in anyway at least not physically, emotionally is another story but I’ve always done that and I’m sure I’m not the only one who does.
Well onto the rest of my day to see what all happens.
It appeared that as Sunday continued I started to feel not so great, well here I sit at 217am and even though I got out of bed I’m rather regretting it.. I can see me heading back to bed and putting on some movie to drown myself into.
I certainly hope that I feel better by the time I wake up, not sure if it’s cause how much I ate or what’s causing it… but the idea of just laying in bed and not doing much is currently becoming very appealing to me.
I’ve had the thought of putting one or two of the sites I’ve done in the past online.. At times I like to tinker with that sort of thing from time to time, but I haven’t fully decided if I’m going to or not… the idea comes, the idea goes.
I’ve also had an idea for a story too, not sure if it’ll see the light of day or not… I don’t write everything that comes to mind but I usually give things a day or two to see if it’s still bouncing around in my brain if it is then the idea clearly is something I should write.
It’s kinda like the whole html website ordeal… maybe I should bring it online… I haven’t decided…
But right now I’m trying not to spend much time at the computer since I think I just want to lay down in bed.
Still trying to decide what to watch when I crawl back into bed
One last thing, I know the for the last little while I’ve laid off using tags, and just let things work for me… I have had the brief idea of going back and using tags. I haven’t fully decided yet because things have been working quite fine without the tags…