Time

I know nothing is going to be alright.
This has been happening so frequently now.

I know I’m a difficult person
Yet another time you blew me off
Not even how I like it, like a Nintendo cartridge

Why wouldn’t you expect me to blow up and lose my shit
No call, no text message, nothing but silence.
You tell me you love me, but I question that shit all the time.

You’ve never been treated this way.
As everyone would go and get you when they want you
Thursday I spent time in the bathroom, puking from the stress you caused

You win, you have successfully pushed me away
I have actually thrown my hands up and walked away
But it’s what you want, since all I get is excuses.
I’ve tried to teach you, but there isn’t no teaching you

Ken

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Giving Up

I’m at my wits end
You sit and make false promises which you know would fall through
But yet you make them anyway, like you have to promise me the world
When you have problems delivering a small nugget of it

I talk to you about it, your only response is “I know”
But you don’t, either that or you just don’t give a shit about me
Maybe that’s it, maybe you don’t care and afraid to tell me.
You question everytime I say that
Then you turn around and say “I’m shy”
Well if your so shy, maybe it’s true.. Your just too scared to say it.

I’m giving up
Tired of putting out invites for those who don’t come through
Tired of making plans for those who just flat out ignore me

I’m tired of this shit
I’m tired of you treating me like this

I FUCKING GIVE UP

Ken

Stress – Part 2

If you haven’t already be sure to read Stress
So your caught up with the current situation, I’ve been doing my best to relax it hasn’t been easy. I can feel myself retreating into myself and becoming less talkative than I normally am. To keep everything simple with very few words.

Still feeling sick to my stomach with how I’m being treated, I would say I’m sure she has a reason for not telling me simple things like not coming over and things like that but I doubt I’ll ever know. It’s no doubt that she doesn’t overly care about me. Right now she no doubt cares less for me than anything else.. But oh well, I can’t do anything about it.
As far as I’m concerned this does appear to be what she wanted from the start was to have limited contact with me.

So with making myself vomit yesterday (Thursday) because of stress is no doubt a victory for her.
But I can’t really say anymore about that.

Right now as I said in the first email I’m just taking time to hopefully feel better and take much needed time to myself which will no doubt continue.

I have put my social media presence on hold for the time being, I don’t know when I’ll be logging in again. It maybe just a one time thing where I chose to shut everything down and stay away from everyone and limit my contact with the human race.

I’ve never really been one to talk much, I have been trying to come “out of my shell” sort to speak but I can see that was a mistake as all that I’ve been trying to overcome has came back with my shakes and my shyness has  came flooding back.

That’s where I stand, or sit… Perhaps sit is the better word for it considering I am sitting right now…

Ken

Stress

Alright so here’s the deal, a few of you may have read my lovely bit called “Out your ass” and think “fuck that’s harsh”

Was it really ?, I was suppose to get together with a friend today, I heard FUCK ALL from this friend, until around 8-830pm when she texted me… No idea what she has said at this point in time…

However when getting together with people, if plans change. I would think that letting the other person know is a common courtesy. Clearly I’m wrong and this depends on the level of person one is dealing with, of course this person tends to do this to me about 90% of the time that she makes plans to come over…

BUT HERE’S THE CATCH, what she doesn’t know is because of no text or phone call in regards to her not coming over… The volcano erupted in more than one way, first my stress and anger got the best of me which wrote “Out your ass” … second of all I ended up puking because she stressed me out that much. I just couldn’t take it any longer. My body just fucking lost it and didn’t know what else to do and that was the end result.

I normally talk to her via social media even though she’s subscribed to this blog… But because of how my body reacted and the stress she’s caused me… I’m taking a break from logging into it, I don’t know for how long.

I thought I was actually doing good where I had trouble talking to people. But with her, I was actually getting better and I was shaking less and talking much more. I think after today with everything, I think I lost that. I think my body has retreated back to it’s former self, the quiet guy who doesn’t talk much.

It’s interesting what stress does to a person, I feel like I haven’t been this stressed in a long long time

Yay that joys of being stressed to the point of throwing up, exactly what I wanted 😦

Ken

Out Your Ass

Take the words you say to me
Change it around for someone who actually cares
Cause it’s all coming outta your ass

Fuck your friends
They don’t deserve to know me
As you have got on my last nerve
They can continue to talk
Out there ass

Just like everything going on in my life
Very few people get to stay in my life for long
As I get tired of them so they leave
Out my ass

I really don’t care what anyone has to say about me
Cause they’re mostly just an asshole plunger

I’m tired of the mental pain that you’ve been causing me
Stressing me out the ass

In I go
Deep inside
Up it goes

But nah it doesn’t
Cause it never did fit
You’ll never see it again

Ken

Life

Life is lonely
Life is depressing
I spend most of my life alone, listening to the echoes
The echoes that go through my mind whenever something is said to me.
It bounces around like a ball, but it doesn’t stop.

Then the loneliness sets in, even more quiet.
Quiet which is 90% of my life, being left alone.
I try to get myself away from it.
But it’s not easy, the lonely feeling consumes me

It makes me depressed, I question everything.
Including you and me, why I do this, and my existence.

I struggle with my existence
I look for things to take me out of it. To take my mind out.
Nothing works for long, I drift back.

It will be the death of me

Ken

Brain Won’t Let Me

When I was younger so much I wanted to do
I wanted to get some ink for things that I like
Wanted to grow my hair longer spike it or braid it and dye it red.

But as I got older I have found out so much that my brain won’t let me do
It changes it’s mind and thought patterns so quickly
I’ve had many things in my life that one minute I wanted to do.
Few days later that changed, and I was glad I didn’t do them.
I know ink is almost permanent, not sure if my brain would allow that.
My brain, well it has grown to dislike my hair.
For the longest time I kept shaving it with electric razor
As of late I’ve been shaving it when I shave my face

Each day I fight with my brain over something
Struggles each day become more and more
I’ve given up on so much that I enjoyed doing
Just cause my brain struggled with it

Ken