Alright well I normally was going to give things a few days for “Kennie’s Guide To The Galaxy” to convert and get redistributed to make sure it all went well but I’m feeling impatient.
So with getting little to no sleep last night I decided to put out Internal Screams today through smashwords in epub format to see if it’ll get just as many reads as everything else or more or less because of doing it in the different format. Although in many ways the different format will be better but will it reflect in the numbers, I’m about to find out since I’ll be putting it out shortly after posting this… So here goes nothing
Alright so I’ve been working on a new release for a short bit, this is non poetry related but I’m not going to go into what this release is about right now, I will when I release it.. I feel that the release is done, it’s kind of a personal thing… Anyways so what’s holding it up you ask ? … Normally I submit everything in simple text format and let my distributor (smashwords) convert that to everyway possible, well the last two books I tried to release I ran into a few issues when converting to the lovely epub format. For some reason my stuff doesn’t “clear customs” I guess that’s the best way to put it. One of the books I had trouble getting out was “Kennie’s Guide To The Galaxy” so I recently created it in epub format and sent it to my distributor, I can’t say if this will make my life easier or more complicated but it’s something I’m going to try if things go without problems them it very well will make my life more easier and that’s currently what I’m looking for and that will be how I will be releasing my stuff from now on through my distributor, but I know this can completely fuck up a few people since I don’t know if it will be put out in different formats or not.. I have two books I want to put out with Smashwords before I get to my non poetry release…
Why two books ? that’s a great question the long and the skinny of it is this.. Kennie’s Guide To The Galaxy was once put out through smashwords but then I added to it and that’s where I ran into problems so that’s the first thing I’ll be putting out in epub format to see how easy it gets to go through all the proper channels before it gets sent out for distribution however the numbers on the book for downloading won’t really reflect anything because unless it’s a huge uptick I won’t really know if anyone will read it or not. So my second book that I’m putting out with smashwords called “Internal Screams” which I did put out before with another distributor but decided to pull it and go back to smashwords, that will be the true test of how many potential reads I will get by using the epub format, I know the average read count I get when I do everything in just plain text format so I want to make sure this will be the best format for me or am I making a big mistake ?
So that’s the long and the skinny of it in general and I will keep you all informed about how everything goes for my two releases before I get to my non poetry release..
While I’m on that subject and I’m sure many of you want to know what the deal is and what am I writing about now.. let me explain… My non poetry release is called “Seeking A Friend”
The idea to write it kinda came from a movie called “Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World”.. where one guy starts looking for a friend to spend the rest of his life with until the world ends since in the movie I believe it said the world would end in about three weeks, so the pressure is on for him to find this friend… Well I’ve always had trouble making friends and seeing how certain things I write have touched various of my readers I wanted to some what share my story of how difficult it has been for me making friends even when I’m young and how it’s kind of drilled into you when your young that it’s importance to make friends and how at times you go on these “play dates” etc… So I just wanted to write this book to show people that not everyone finds it easy to make friends and I even do the thing of comparing myself to my friends on facebook when I state…. I think the line was “If you look at my facebook account I have 32 friends where as all my friends have 100+” Sadly the 32 friends I have on facebook I believe 90% of them are family..
So there you go a little bit of a glimpse into what will be coming out in the near future for me, I have no idea when it will be coming out but hopefully at some point in time, but I will keep you all posted on that…
Even though the worlds around me, I feel lonely
Even though the world has found me, it can drown me.
Sitting here feeling alone as I stare out the window watching others walk by
It makes me wonder as if I’m missing out on something great
So I step outside and look around, I see nothing.
I enter back into my house once again feeling bored and incomplete as I sit
Starring at the wall in complete silence watching my life tick away before me
Nothing appears to be going on with me and nothing.
In my head I’ve decided to walk away from the computer and devices
It might last for a few hours before I cave and jump on one of them
My life is built in a world of zeros and ones.
At times I wonder if I’m just a hologram of myself cause my real self is that boring
I then blink and come to as I look around the room nobody is around, it’s me all alone
Still sitting looking at the wall trying to figure out what I’m suppose to do today
The phone remains silent, my devices turned off trying to find something better
Knowing that on the inside I’m trying not to cave, but I feel my walls shaking
Will it happen now or in a few moments from now
I continue to sit looking at the wall as I try and figure out what am I going to do
Living in the middle of no where I know I have no options, can’t really walk anywhere
I continue to sit, my life passes before me, but my life ain’t that great anyway
Wondering if I should get up and do something I notice it’s now dark outside
I’ve spent my entire day sitting and doing nothing avoiding the devices I’m hooked to
Not knowing what else to do I decide to head to bed, tossing on the tv
I lay in bed as the screen flicker with what the random choice of the moment was
My eyes begin to get heavy, I don’t look forward to the next day
Cause I know, I’ll be doing it all over again.
Been struggling with going upstairs over the last few days
Looking outside makes me sad, I’m trying to avoid sadness
I know it’s not helping me, but I don’t know what else to do.
I tried to talk about it, clearly that’s not the answer.
I get answers yelled at me, then I get talked about behind my back
From my own mother on the phone with who knows who.
Telling them that “He’s not willing to help”
Everything always has to be your way for you to be happy
You already made me an empty promise
I don’t see me following through with it
I know everything you say has a hidden agenda to it
Makes me sad, makes me sick just thinking about it
At times I wonder if I’ll truly get over how I’m feeling
Or will the sadness just stay with me forever
As of the last few days I wonder if I’m stuck in this emotion
My pillow has seen more tears recently than it has in a long time
I make conversations in short bursts because that’s all I can muster up
Almost like limiting my characters, twitter convo.
I’m bracing myself for the long haul for dealing with this
I don’t know what else to do.
One day my life will get better
I won’t have to put up with the things that I do
I’ll have constant happiness in my life with every sunrise and sunset
Or that’s what I keep telling myself, at times I look into the future and see it bright
Other times it looks like a train tunnel, lots of darkness before the light
All I can do is try to keep moving forward as much as I don’t like certain things
Wishing I could change various things in my life right now, but I have my doubts
That a change is in the hand that I’ve been given, looking around me and seeing it
I’ve tried to change the inside, looking for peace and happiness
It lead me to anti-depressants for several months, talked to a psychiatrist
Idiot didn’t know what I was talking about, seemed like he was fresh off the boat
I explained things the best I could, he didn’t understand.. Damn city folk
They’ve always had access to more things than everyone else, we’re always lagging
I was starting to see one thing that made me want to live here
They were cute with four paws, I loved playing with them
Petting them, watching them run around and grow
But you took that away from me
Just like an old poem I did called hitler mom
Everything has to be your way, unless you benefit from it you don’t want it
No wonder your kids are the way they are.
All you do is looking for everything you can profit off
Your a user of people, when you don’t get what you want you throw a fit
Growing up, I wished I never became like Dad so I quit drinking.
If I ever turn out like either of you I want to take my own life
The world doesn’t need another one of you, I’m surprise your boyfriend sticks around
I don’t know how in the fucking world he does it
Watching from a distance how you treat him
You don’t know the first thing about a relationship
Yet you tried and still try to give me relationship advice all these years
I laughed at it when you did, you always thought the man should do more for the woman
Your sisters seem to think that too and everyone who drinks your kool aid
Anyone who buys into your bullshit and becomes your yes person
Relationships have to be 50/50, if anyone is trying to tell you differently
They want to profit off of it, in some way shape or form
They are the ones who feel they need to profit more than just having someone
I can’t stand those people, trying to take advantage of someone else
Trying to show the kitty’s love like you use to
Talking to them when you see them
Trying to entertain them
But your the one who is splitting up the family
Your the one who is taking them away from me
You have always done the same shit with me, you and Dad
Yelled at me and give me shit then thirty seconds later tried to act like your my best friend
But to the two of you it was all a game
No wonder I grew up to be this way and having issues with people
Always had trouble making friends
Had trouble expressing myself to people
Still hiding in the dark not wanting to come to light
I know why you have no friends, why would anyone want to be your friend
You are a true definition of a user of people, you deny it, but it’s easy to see.
Everyone runs from you once they notice it.
Once it becomes apparent they run, for good reason too.
I can’t say I blame them
If I had a place to run to, I would, I wouldn’t look back
You keep saying you have to do everything yourself
Keep telling yourself that, it’ll become a reality soon enough
Specially if you keep treating me like shit, hopefully I’m taken away
In one way or another, death or run away.
At times I don’t care which one comes true
You can then claim that you were meant to be alone
Keep singing the same ole song
Nobody wants to hear it
Nobody is listening
We have heard it all before
But we have seen behind the curtain
It’s no doubt what’s best.
If I slit my wrist and bleed out all my life force, can I get to heaven
To be with the rest of my family, or will they look down on me too
Am I best to go down to hell where I don’t think any of them are.
I’m tired of living on this planet
When this planet is tired of me
It’s just one hardship followed by another
I don’t want to watch my furry friends leave
They help make me happy, they make me giggle
Since you told me your getting them taken away
I’ve had many dark thoughts go through my head
Of me not wanting to be here anymore
Not sure if it means running away or not living
I don’t think my mind connected that yet
It’s one of many missing puzzle pieces in my mind
I wonder if any of them will ever connect in my brain
Even if I could take my own life and goto heaven
I would just be with more people who don’t want to be around me
I don’t think anyone who have passed would want to see me again
Or maybe they went to hell, one never knows
I have often wondered that, where did these people go
Or are they floating here with us, on the other side
Like a two sided mirror, they can see us but we can’t see them
I wonder if that’s what the after life is like.
I don’t think I would want to see this side again
Unless I die before a few people, then I would try to watch out for them
I wonder if I would have the option of turning that off
*sales man voice* “Bored of the living, turn it off today” sort of idea
I have a dream, powerful words spoken by Martin Luther King
As he stood in front of a great audience professing his ideal future
One of my dreams is for poetry to be as popular as it once was
Read by the masses, looked upon as words rooted in greatness
But poetry has taken a back seat to those on the mic who spit rap
The Rhythm And Poetry is what makes my poetry obsolete
Just like someone pushed the key known as delete
Not to remove it completely but to fade to the furthest background
Our words aren’t as powerful as they once were.
The pen is mightier than the sword from what I was told
But the loud speaker is what ends up getting sold
I would like to see the table get turned once again
Poetry gain the light that it once did
Not pushed back into the darkness
Allowing for the world to nourish our words that grew from the roots
To thrive and grow strong and be read in front of kings and queens
Now we write on the web in hopes of people stumbling upon our words
In hopes of them meaning something to someone else
Many poets these days don’t last long, one or two books before they collect dust
On the shelf they sit, not being sold, as they’re looked upon as old.