So today is October 4th the day before my birthday, I honestly have nothing planned because I’ve never been the one to plan things. I generally just sit around the house and not do a whole lot that’s my typical birthday. Although my gut tells me tomorrow is going to be different, something tells me I’m going to get ken-napped … Not in a bad way but I can see my girlfriend showing up wanting to take me out for the day or she may just want to sped time with me around the house. Or she may end up just sleeping in all day which is fine too. I know she hasn’t been sleeping that great recently so I wouldn’t be mad at her if she didn’t come over. I’m not saying that I don’t want her to come over, I’m just saying if something happened and she didn’t, I would be understanding even though I know that she would beat herself up about it no matter how much I would tell her it’s no big deal since clearly she was tired and that’s what her body has been trying to tell her.
I also know the tv show called Big Mouth is coming out with season two on netflix tomorrow, I do plan on checking it out since I watched season one, it’s crude, it’s funny… OK It’s very fucking funny
I may buy some music later before I goto bed, but for now back to the movie, I’m currently watching The Outcasts while I type this
Hopefully I”ll be back later to post again
I’m tired of living in this house with her. For the last two days I’ve been in shitty moods, sick to my stomach and not wanting to live or get out of bed. Every fucking choice in this house is made because that’s what “she wants” and it’s either “her way” or “her way”.
I’ve spent a lot of the time over the last two days in tears, feeling sick to my stomach and not wanting to get out of bed. I also feel like I’m being forced to do things that I don’t want to do because it’s what she wants…
More and more I’ve always seen why my brother and sister has moved out of the house, my brother has been drinking more and more over the years I get the impression that it’s to drown out mom’s voice in my brothers head since even he sees that everything has to be her way.
I think at times he’s still surprised that I’m alive because he no doubt figures I would have ran away or taken my own life because of how Mom is, even though I don’t think he would come out and say it. But I think if I did either he wouldn’t be surprised by either outcome.
She keeps trying to drag me to the cottage, I keep refusing I hate where I live I find it too fucking secluded and the cottage is even more so plus it has no internet so I think I would loose my mind being up there with her. (sarcasm starts) but it’s ok because she’s willing to put me to work, so I can serve drinks to her, her boyfriend and her sister and do everything else around so I won’t get bored (sarcasm ends)
Well I’m going to toss on a movie, right now I feel like horror and I finally got my hands on Strangers Pray At Night, I seen the first Strangers movie from a number of years back and wanted to see the sequel to this so here goes nothing if your interested in a trailer
So all my life I grew up in a house where my voice meant nothing. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always been the very very quiet kid, my parents didn’t listen to me they always had the attitude of “what we say is right, don’t argue just shut the fuck up and do it”.
Back in 2005 when Dad passed away I figured things would change, turns out it didn’t. My brother basically got “promoted” and my voice got quieter to less than an actual whisper. If that’s even possible.
When it comes to my Mom she doesn’t “Talk” to me… She yells at me because she’s always right and it’s almost like she feels like I should bow down and worship her and praise her like some higher being…
Fuck, her boyfriend has more “sonority” than me and he gets listened to more than I did and I even get yelled at in front of him and yet here I am at 36 and I have no voice.. More so a voice that means nothing, I get yelled at constantly because anytime I try to talk my mom bitches at me because “I talk down to her” … Yup have no voice and no say in this house but expected to do everything including everything that I disagree with.
I already know I’m going to end up homeless because I have no voice and I don’t know how to communicate with people, but I’ve known that for a while now. I would like to say things will change but they won’t..
I’ve actually had the thought before of getting my lips sewn shut or if possible my voice box removed because what’s the point of having it. No wonder I use to do things like I did in high school, I use to cut myself upon occasion in high school. I also had many dark and depressing thoughts and when I went to bed I would always pray… But not for good things, I lay in bed in tears and I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning
So last night in the middle of the night while having trouble sleeping I thought I would get up and write up a blog post just saying a bunch of thoughts that were on my mind, which I would like to say it help me put things in perspective but in all honestly it didn’t.
I woke up today from not getting much more sleep, even though I wanted to lay in bed longer than what I did and I decided to pull down all the free music I posted, yea I know I suck.. But I have decided to reopen my bandcamp page and start listing my music back on that site for sale in hopes of making some sort of coin from it, right now I only have a few items since it’s a slow process unless I want to pay $10 for the month and get multi-file uploads at the same time. However in all honesty I don’t know if I care to pay that when I haven’t made anything from my music so for the time being I’m just going to hang out and do things one file at a time, it might take a while but I’m up for taking my time doing so. If your interested in checking out my bandcamp page or even supporting me by purchasing some of my music:
I have had a few more thoughts of things to write about but I think right now I just want to take a bit of time off from writing, even though I know when I say this it generally doesn’t work out that way and I tend to end up writing again within a day or two. But right now I just want to take it easy and get other things online like my music so it doesn’t matter to me if I write much or not, I do enjoy writing don’t get me wrong however now and then one needs a break from it. I don’t know if I was feeling burned out from it since at times I found like that’s all I did or if my brain just said “hey, lets do something different” either way it doesn’t matter. Hopefully something different helps, since as of late I’ve had a bunch of things on my brain and I know some of it is actually stressing me out.
I guess I just don’t know what to do with my time, I’ve been trying to take it easy as of late and hopefully slowly clear my head but I can’t really promise that will happen.
Who really knows what is going to come out of me next for what I’m going to work on, right now I don’t really know, I have thoughts… But I can’t promise any of them will actually happen
So that’s where I sit right now and that’s what is going through my mind right now
Well I’m glad that I posted the last article when I did, as I was in a better mood. Right now I don’t know if I would post something like that because of how I am feeling.
But I do feel that women deserve to hear that every day, I don’t think some of them hear it enough. So I wanted to post it up as my own way of sending some positive thoughts to those who need to hear it.
Hopefully something will put me in a better mood this evening, although it could be just that I am feeling rather tired at the moment. But who knows.
The last few days I’ve been feeling rather sick to my stomach, I think it’s a mix of stress from everything going on in my life and something else, maybe anger.. I don’t know what else maybe it’s just stress.
So I’ve been spending countless hours in bed, basically I usually am in bed by like 7pm watching a string of randomly chosen movies until I fall asleep. I’m sure tonight won’t be much different because of how things have been.
I’ve been fighting with my ex who still lives with me after seven months and she continues to proceed to talk shit about me behind my back (ok call that one a hunch) which I don’t understand because I try to do everything for her that I can including being there for her after she got into a fender bender a week ago.
But yet here I am “the asshole” who apparently can’t do anything right. I continue to try to help out where I can but at times my frustration bubbles over and other emotions come out.
The problem with that is I have trouble talking to people, when I start talking to people I begin to shake which is very bad, specially when meeting new people they all seem to think something is wrong with me, which is no doubt why my current girlfriend hasn’t introduced me to any of her friends because she knows how much my shaking bothers me and we haven’t spent much time together recently cause she’s very busy.
I’ve been trying to sort all this shit out in my head which resorts me to climbing into bed and trying to drift out of my thoughts by watching countless movies while in bed. Since I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.
That’s why I haven’t been writing so much or the one day that I did write a string of things came to me and I set things up on a schedule so that it would look like I was writing all day long when really it happened in about an hour or two then I had it string along through the entire day.
So that’s how things are with me right now and why I haven’t really been doing much.
The other thing that’s slowed me down today was I’ve been beta testing windows (which does mean I’m a windows insider) and the latest build (that is not public) has been producing a number of green screens which is formerly called blue screens or “blue screen of death” but now it’s “green screen of death”.. Things have been fine for the most part but today has definitely been a exception as I’ve gotten I think five or six of them so I have limited what I’ve been doing at this time. But I should have a new build come out this week, hopefully sooner the better and hopefully that problem can get fixed.
That is where my life stands right now
So for the last little while I have been going through a lot of shit in regards to my ex. I have been spending lots of time in bed and wanting to hide from the world and sleeping when I can.
I have recently been told that I am depressed which may explain why I haven’t been posting that frequently on my blog as of late.
I have had a hard time finding the want to do just that, like I said I have just been wanting to lay in bed and hide and eating very little as well. I have also lost weight too from all of this that is going on.
Not sure how much longer it will take before she leaves so I don’t know how much longer I will be like this.
For that I apologize