Today Is October 4th

So today is October 4th the day before my birthday, I honestly have nothing planned because I’ve never been the one to plan things. I generally just sit around the house and not do a whole lot that’s my typical birthday. Although my gut tells me tomorrow is going to be different, something tells me I’m going to get ken-napped … Not in a bad way but I can see my girlfriend showing up wanting to take me out for the day or she may just want to sped time with me around the house. Or she may end up just sleeping in all day which is fine too. I know she hasn’t been sleeping that great recently so I wouldn’t be mad at her if she didn’t come over. I’m not saying that I don’t want her to come over, I’m just saying if something happened and she didn’t, I would be understanding even though I know that she would beat herself up about it no matter how much I would tell her it’s no big deal since clearly she was tired and that’s what her body has been trying to tell her.

I also know the tv show called Big Mouth is coming out with season two on netflix tomorrow, I do plan on checking it out since I watched season one, it’s crude, it’s funny… OK It’s very fucking funny

I may buy some music later before I goto bed, but for now back to the movie, I’m currently watching The Outcasts while I type this

Hopefully I”ll be back later to post again

Kennie

Another Day, Another Shitty Mood

I’m tired of living in this house with her. For the last two days I’ve been in shitty moods, sick to my stomach and not wanting to live or get out of bed. Every fucking choice in this house is made because that’s what “she wants” and it’s either “her way” or “her way”.

I’ve spent a lot of the time over the last two days in tears, feeling sick to my stomach and not wanting to get out of bed. I also feel like I’m being forced to do things that I don’t want to do because it’s what she wants…

More and more I’ve always seen why my brother and sister has moved out of the house, my brother has  been drinking more and more over the years I get the impression that it’s to drown out mom’s voice in my brothers head since even he sees that everything has to be her way.

I think at times he’s still surprised that I’m alive because he no doubt figures I would have ran away or taken my own life because of how Mom is, even though I don’t think he would come out and say it. But I think if I did either he wouldn’t be surprised by either outcome.

She keeps trying to drag me to the cottage, I keep refusing I hate where I live I find it too fucking secluded and the cottage is even more so plus it has no internet so I think I would loose my mind being up there with her. (sarcasm starts) but it’s ok because she’s willing to put me to work, so I can serve drinks to her, her boyfriend and her sister and do everything else around so I won’t get bored (sarcasm ends)

Well I’m going to toss on a movie, right now I feel like horror and I finally got my hands on Strangers Pray At Night, I seen the first Strangers movie from a number of years back and wanted to see the sequel to this so here goes nothing if your interested in a trailer

Kennie

Tired Of This…

So all my life I grew up in a house where my voice meant nothing. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always been the very very quiet kid, my parents didn’t listen to me they always had the attitude of “what we say is right, don’t argue just shut the fuck up and do it”.

Back in 2005 when Dad passed away I figured things would change, turns out it didn’t. My brother basically got “promoted” and my voice got quieter to less than an actual whisper. If that’s even possible.

When it comes to my Mom she doesn’t “Talk” to me… She yells at me because she’s always right and it’s almost like she feels like I should bow down and worship her and praise her like some higher being…

Fuck, her boyfriend has more “sonority” than me and he gets listened to more than I did and I even get yelled at in front of him and yet here I am at 36 and I have no voice..  More so a voice that means nothing, I get yelled at constantly because anytime I try to talk my mom bitches at me because “I talk down to her” … Yup have no voice and no say in this house but expected to do everything including everything that I disagree with.

I already know I’m going to end up homeless because I have no voice and I don’t know how to communicate with people, but I’ve known that for a while now. I would like to say things will change but they won’t..

I’ve actually had the thought before of getting my lips sewn shut or if possible my voice box removed because what’s the point of having it. No wonder I use to do things like I did in high school, I use to cut myself upon occasion in high school. I also had many dark and depressing thoughts and when I went to bed I would always pray… But not for good things, I lay in bed in tears and I would pray that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning

Kennie

It’s now 3:16pm …

So last night in the middle of the night while having trouble sleeping I thought I would get up and write up a blog post just saying a bunch of thoughts that were on my mind, which I would like to say it help me put things in perspective but in all honestly it didn’t.

I woke up today from not getting much more sleep, even though I wanted to lay in bed longer than what I did and I decided to pull down all the free music I posted, yea I know I suck.. But I have decided to reopen my bandcamp page and start listing my music back on that site for sale in hopes of making some sort of coin from it, right now I only have a few items since it’s a slow process unless I want to pay $10 for the month and get multi-file uploads at the same time. However in all honesty I don’t know if I care to pay that when I haven’t made anything from my music so for the time being I’m just going to hang out and do things one file at  a time, it might take a while but I’m up for taking my time doing so. If your interested in checking out my bandcamp page or even supporting me by purchasing some of my music:
https://kenniekayoz.bandcamp.com

I have had a few more thoughts of things to write about but I think right now I just want to take a bit of time off from writing, even though I know when I say this it generally doesn’t work out that way and I tend to end up writing again within a day or two.  But right now I just want to take it easy and get other things online like my music so it doesn’t matter to me if I write much or not, I do enjoy writing don’t get me wrong however now and then one needs a break from it. I don’t know if I was feeling burned out from it since at times I found like that’s all I did or if my brain just said “hey, lets do something different” either way it doesn’t matter. Hopefully something different helps, since as of late I’ve had a bunch of things on my brain and I know some of it is actually stressing me out.

I guess I just don’t know what to do with my time, I’ve been trying to take it easy as of late and hopefully slowly clear my head but I can’t really promise that will happen.

Who really knows what is going to come out of me next for what I’m going to work on, right now I don’t really know, I have thoughts… But I can’t promise any of them will actually happen

So that’s where I sit right now and that’s what is going through my mind right now

Kennie

Well…

Well I’m glad that I posted the last article when I did, as I was in a better mood. Right now I don’t know if I would post something like that because of how I am feeling.

But I do feel that women deserve to hear that every day, I don’t think some of them hear it enough. So I wanted to post it up as my own way of sending some positive thoughts to those who need to hear it.

Hopefully something will put me in a better mood this evening, although it could be just that I am feeling rather tired at the moment. But who knows.

Kennie

Been Feeling

The last few days I’ve been feeling rather sick to my stomach, I think it’s a mix of stress from everything going on in my life and something else, maybe anger.. I don’t know what else maybe it’s just stress.

So I’ve been spending countless hours in bed, basically I usually am in bed by like 7pm watching a string of randomly chosen movies until I fall asleep. I’m sure tonight won’t be much different because of how things have been.

I’ve been fighting with my ex who still lives with me after seven months and she continues to proceed to talk shit about me behind my back (ok call that one a hunch) which I don’t understand because I try to do everything for her that I can including being there for her after she got into a fender bender a week ago.
But yet here I am “the asshole” who apparently can’t do anything right. I continue to try to help out where I can but at times my frustration bubbles over and other emotions come out.

The problem with that is I have trouble talking to people, when I start talking to people I begin to shake which is very bad, specially when meeting new people they all seem to think something is wrong with me, which is no doubt why my current girlfriend hasn’t introduced me to any of her friends because she knows how much my shaking bothers me and we haven’t spent much time together recently cause she’s very busy.

I’ve been trying to sort all this shit out in my head which resorts me to climbing into bed and trying to drift out of my thoughts by watching countless movies while in bed. Since I don’t know what else to do with myself right now.

That’s why I haven’t been writing so much or the one day that I did write a string of things came to me and I set things up on a schedule so that it would look like I was writing all day long when really it happened in about an hour or two then I had it string along through the entire day.

So that’s how things are with me right now and why I haven’t really been doing much.

The other thing that’s slowed me down today was I’ve been beta testing windows (which does mean I’m a windows insider) and the latest build (that is not public) has been producing a number of green screens which is formerly called blue screens or “blue screen of death” but now it’s “green screen of death”.. Things have been fine for the most part but today has definitely been a exception as I’ve gotten I think five or six of them so I have limited what I’ve been doing at this time. But I should have a new build come out this week, hopefully sooner the better and hopefully that problem can get fixed.

That is where my life stands right now

Kennie

Been Going Through A lot

So for the last little while I have been going through a lot of shit in regards to my ex. I have been spending lots of time in bed and wanting to hide from the world and sleeping when I can.

I have recently been told that I am depressed which may explain why I haven’t been posting that frequently on my blog as of late.

I have had a hard time finding the want to do just that, like I said I have just been wanting to lay in bed and hide and eating very little as well. I have also lost weight too from all of this that is going on.

Not sure how much longer it will take before she leaves so I don’t know how much longer I will be like this.

For that I apologize

Kennie

Having Trouble

So I’ve been having trouble the last two days, been wanting to do a bunch of site work on one of my sites however it appears that is what’s causing trouble.. I’ve just been feeling so down the last few days that I don’t want to work on stuff like that which usually takes my mind off things. I haven’t really felt like doing anything except laying in bed all day in total darkness hiding from the world.

I have started the bit of site work that I have wanted to do but honestly what I have done should have taken me like five or six minutes, but instead it’s taken me about two or three hours.
I feel like I just don’t want to do anything anymore and it bothers me.

In one way I want to blame my ex cause I’m just so exhausted dealing with her shit on a day to day basis that by the evening I just want to lay in bed.. I don’t even feel like eating half the time either, I don’t feel like doing anything.
I feel like I’m constantly struggling to do shit as of late and I hate that.

Things that I normally do to take my mind off things have been the most difficult thing for me to do.

The last two days I’ve honestly been sitting and looking out the window as time passes because I’m having trouble doing anything else.

Kennie

Lost Feeling

I know I haven’t wrote anything in a bit, I think three days or maybe more since I wrote poetry. I know yesterday I wrote something that I posted or maybe it was the day before.

Honestly as of late I’ve just been feeling lost, I’ve been spending as much time as I could talking to my girlfriend just about anything really, I really haven’t had much to say about anything but I will gladly sit and listen to her and if I’m with her I’ll gladly look at her while she talks.. Of course I have the habit of trying to throw her off topic by doing stuff like mid sentence I’ll give her a kiss, depending on if it’s just a little kiss or if it lasts it sometimes has the habit of her forgetting what she was talking about.
Or we just sit and cuddle just to be together and she’ll curl up on me, yes she’s very cat like in that regard.

I normally do have that creative feeling and I have had it recently just I have kinda pushed it aside at times, I don’t know if it’s because I don’t feel like writing or if it’s because I’m worried that I might sound like a broken record by repeating myself.

Normally I don’t push my creativeness aside, every bit of creative juice I let it out… WOW that sounds kinda dirty hahaaa.

As of late I’m feeling lost, I know I’ve gotten out a bit more recently, went over to my Mom’s boyfriends place to help clean things up after a bit of a storm we had. I normally don’t go do stuff like that so it was definitely uncharacteristic of me. But I felt like I had to get out of the house for a bit and away from things, I don’t know what I really want to do but at those times when I did I definitely felt the need to get out. Even though I spent a portion of one of those days roaming his front yard picking up sticks and tossing them into a pile. It was something and it got me out of where I currently am.

Been doing thinking as of late, and maybe that’s why I haven’t really wrote anything since I’ve watched my writing numbers and how through my distributor my numbers have basically fallen to next to nothing, as of late my reads have been bouncing around the 20 mark, for the most of the time it stays below that. It makes me wonder if I should be using a distributing channel or not, or should I just stick with one site. Kinda like turning my site into it’s own personal library even though right now I don’t think I could be bothered, I just don’t think people go and read poetry like they use to. I know I get likes on here (my blog) when I write stuff but it makes me wonder if I should be writing any place else besides that. It certainly would save a assload of money, no I don’t pay to distribute anything but I do keep certain paid programs up dated so that I can use them without any problem.
Not that I pay something like Adobe that’s subscription based. I don’t and at most I drop I think $40 every few years to keep Paint Shop Pro updated. But it got me thinking how maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore.. Times are changing, it’s similar to my music I’ve thought about stepping away from that too. Just limiting myself to what I do, perhaps take a break from having to rush around and get things ready to distribute maybe that’s why I’m feeling lost.

Perhaps it is a time for a break and a time to just focus on two sites my blog and my actual site.. Or perhaps I’ll just focus on my blog for now. I think I have enough stuff out there in the world of distributing to spike people’s interest and I guess I’ll just focus on making my blog bigger.

Just a few thoughts, going to go have a bath and relax in the tub for a bit because clearly I’m dirty lol

Kennie

Myself

So while time is ticking down since my ex is going to be moving out. I can’t help but realize that I don’t know if I know how to take care of myself. Yup here I am a 36 year old man who does not know how to take care of himself.

I know the very basic thing how to take care of myself but I honestly don’t know how to cook many things and I know that after my ex moves out mom won’t be buying me the similar food that my ex has in the past.

I know that what I just typed sounds pathetic but it is fine because it is entirely true. One part of me is rather worried about being in the house alone with my own thoughts.

But I guess time will tell how things go for me.

Kennie

P. S. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL THE MOMS OUT THERE

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