As I sit alone in the evening in a chilli house.
I continue to feel lonely, more and more as the time goes.
The minutes pass and the feeling doesn’t.
It makes me sad, I can almost feel the loneliness wanting to escape in forms of tears

I hate being alone, I hear everything.
Every little gust of wind.
Each time the house creeks.
Every sound that is made in the house.

At times it makes me paranoid.
But I sit and feel lonely
Nobody is around me, nobody is near me.
I never know what to do.

I drown myself in things I shouldn’t to pass the time.
It makes me dislike myself more.
The loneliness gets to me


Loneliness vs Unwanted

Today I was asked if I wanted to go to my ex’s parents place, at first I was going to since I’ve been having trouble being alone as of late. She then got an email from her Mom talking about a few accidents that happened since they got more snow than we have and it made my stomach clench so I then reversed my decision to “nope, I’m going to stay home”.. I know when I end up being home alone I start to feel lonely and at times even scared, I know that sounds pathetic that a 36 year old would be scared of being alone at home. But I know it comes with feeling lonely, what can I say I hate traveling in the winter at times I grip anything I can as hard as I can because winter driving scares the shit outta me. It has for a while now for about twelve years but when I go up to her parents place I feel unwanted so what feeling do I contend with ?. It’s almost like it’s a boxing match going on inside my head but in the corner of unwanted also has snowy travel that gives it’s own boost. Today I chose to stay home, I don’t know if anyone would have won in that fight. At times it causes me to shake when I think about traveling during the winter. But I hate being home alone so it’s a tough choice to make.

Well I’m going to just finish this cause it’s only 230pm and I’m starting to shake… I’m going to go hide now


Loneliness = Boredom

So it appears that when I’m by myself I’m lonely and when I’m lonely then boredom happens and it happens frequently. I hate this, I have over 200 xbox one games and none of them sound good. I think I get bored really really easily and it bothers me cause it makes me sit and look at the wall more often than not.  I feel sorry for people who hang out with me, they must think I’m one boring POS.
I never know what I want to do with my time.

I also have a playstation 4, but I don’t play it much.. The odd time I’ve thought about it, hell I’ve thought about going back to xbox 360 if it would help me get rid of my boredom but sadly… It doesn’t.

I think it’s because none of the games seem to facinate me, I thought about buying Star Wars Battlefront. Money isn’t the issue, the issue is I’m worried that if I do by the time I get it downloaded I’ll be bored and won’t want to play it.

I know I write but honestly as of late I’ve been feeling like I have to force stuff out, I don’t feel like it’s me anymore. I think in a few ways I just have to walk away from everything that I do to pass the time, even though I can see me starring at the wall for hours on end. But I think if that’s what I need to do then I should do it. Since right now I feel like all I’m doing is forcing myself to go from doing one thing to another,

I remember dropping coin on a 4TB external drive for my x1 so that I could download games anytime I want and it would all just sit there and wait for me to play it, well I feel like it’s just becoming a pain in the fucking ass right now. I feel like I don’t want to play those games, honestly nothing that’s out for the xbox one  (x1) I care to play right now. I don’t know what I want to play.. I’m just bored and it bothers me ALOT. I’ve been listing games on ebay to sell, honestly I don’t know if I want to sell some of them but I keep selling them because I don’t know what else to do. I kinda would prefer to have the money right now, BUT there’s nothing I care to spend it on…

I usually load my computer up with programs I use but as of late I’m slowly removing everything because I just lost interest in it, but the worse thing is I keep beating myself up over it. When I’m bored my mind goes right to “lets play video games”
I know my Xbox Live Gold subscription needs to be renewed in April, at this point in time I don’t want to renew it. I keep buying games and I keep kicking myself over doing so because I don’t play them and they just sit.. I just don’t know what to do..

Well that’s my thoughts for the time being, guess i’ll go back to uninstalling stuff on here 😦


%d bloggers like this: