If I had the chance I would have changed that day for you
That faithful day back in December of 2005
You kissed your husband for the last time the night before
He got up, went to work and you never seen him again
You got tragic news about his passing.
If I could have swapped places with him I would have.
Let him keep living and I can fade out of everyone’s memory
Never really thought myself as much, more of an after thought really
Don’t think many would have cared.
I bet it would have been a decade before people start to miss me
Even then I doubt people would have really missed me
Perhaps that would make your life the picturesque life you want.
Always saying that everything happens to you
I just sit back and watch, I know I can’t do anything about it
One can’t predict what’s going to happen tomorrow
All we can do is see what unfolds
An accident happened that day, but that’s what it was, a accident.
He done that trip thousands of times, and it was fine
One day he did it and one thing changed
Since then our lives were changed forever we just didn’t know
If I had my chance I would have swapped me for him
I’ll be the one that nobody goes to visit
I wouldn’t even worry if anyone thought about me
I feel like my brain is plagued with sadness
At times I don’t know if it’s flooding my brain more
Or if it’s just leaving me confused
I’ve spent days just looking at the wall
Wondering when this day will be over
Just to crawl back into bed
Even days that I know I’m having trouble sleeping
I try to fill my mind with happier thoughts
At times it doesn’t work, the sadness just comes in.
I feel like I’m being chased by it.
But I keep tripping up
So it always seems to find it’s way to catch me.
The endless cycle that it is, is there no way around it.
Is it like a video game where I am missing a secret entrance.
Maybe this is what my life has become
Me drowning an endless ocean of sadness.
Always being pulled under
Will I ever be able to breathe
Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life
At times I think it is.
Always what I’ve wanted
Maybe one day, someone will save me.
Being able to pull me from it
To show me the better side of life.
I already know I lost you.
From the moment those words hit the screen I knew I did.
With you saying you wanting to think about what’s more important.
It comes down to choosing me or a bigger family.
I told you I don’t want kids, you know I struggle so much with my past.
Bullied and harassed, I always read stories about kids going through it now.
The difference is now they can’t get away from it, there’s facebook, instagram, snapchat
All ways to get in touch with someone, not to mention cell phones.
If I couldn’t get away from it, my life story maybe different.
I would loose my mind if my child went through it.
Knowing what it did to me.
I would loose sleep at night.
Just know this, if you don’t choose me.
I will forever respect you.
You have been the greatest gift in my life.
I will love you forever and always.
Knowing things will be awkward if you choose what I figure you will.
Respecting your choice is a promise I will make to you.
You deserve to follow your heart.
It knows you best.
I love you Natasha
Emotional day today, spent more than a few times with tears in my eyes.
The movie bringing back all sorts of emotions and feelings.
I hope that I never have to go through it again.
Don’t know how I would react a second time around.
Would I walk away in tears, or would I just completely loose it.
Tough decision to say which one I would do, think it depends on a few circumstances.
I wish I could just get away from things today.
But I keep going back and pushing play on the movie.
Feeling like I’m reliving it all over and over again.
As the tears fill my eyes.
The shakes also happen, unsure of how to calm myself
I try music, I try just burying my head in my hands.
It almost seems like nothing will calm me.
After time has passed I begin to feel better.
I feel like this has been a very long day for me.
But I know it’s the emotions that are causing it to be long.