I feel like my brain is plagued with sadness
At times I don’t know if it’s flooding my brain more
Or if it’s just leaving me confused
I’ve spent days just looking at the wall
Wondering when this day will be over
Just to crawl back into bed
Even days that I know I’m having trouble sleeping
I try to fill my mind with happier thoughts
At times it doesn’t work, the sadness just comes in.
I feel like I’m being chased by it.
But I keep tripping up
So it always seems to find it’s way to catch me.
The endless cycle that it is, is there no way around it.
Is it like a video game where I am missing a secret entrance.
Maybe this is what my life has become
Me drowning an endless ocean of sadness.
Always being pulled under
Will I ever be able to breathe
Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life
At times I think it is.
Always what I’ve wanted
Maybe one day, someone will save me.
Being able to pull me from it
To show me the better side of life.
I already know I lost you.
From the moment those words hit the screen I knew I did.
With you saying you wanting to think about what’s more important.
It comes down to choosing me or a bigger family.
I told you I don’t want kids, you know I struggle so much with my past.
Bullied and harassed, I always read stories about kids going through it now.
The difference is now they can’t get away from it, there’s facebook, instagram, snapchat
All ways to get in touch with someone, not to mention cell phones.
If I couldn’t get away from it, my life story maybe different.
I would loose my mind if my child went through it.
Knowing what it did to me.
I would loose sleep at night.
Just know this, if you don’t choose me.
I will forever respect you.
You have been the greatest gift in my life.
I will love you forever and always.
Knowing things will be awkward if you choose what I figure you will.
Respecting your choice is a promise I will make to you.
You deserve to follow your heart.
It knows you best.
I love you Natasha
As I sit alone in the evening in a chilli house.
I continue to feel lonely, more and more as the time goes.
The minutes pass and the feeling doesn’t.
It makes me sad, I can almost feel the loneliness wanting to escape in forms of tears
I hate being alone, I hear everything.
Every little gust of wind.
Each time the house creeks.
Every sound that is made in the house.
At times it makes me paranoid.
But I sit and feel lonely
Nobody is around me, nobody is near me.
I never know what to do.
I drown myself in things I shouldn’t to pass the time.
It makes me dislike myself more.
The loneliness gets to me
If someone asked me to send a message to everyone whose met me from the start of my life until time, what would it say. I know there’s people who would do something like this and brag about every little thing that happened to them and etc etc..
If I had to send a message like that to everyone who met me at this point in time it would simply be titled “Let You Down”
I feel like that’s all I do is let people down, they think I’m some great person but I don’t see it. I have never seen that in my entire life, but for some reason others have seen it. It’s always made me scratch my head and wonder but I know I’m the man on the inside looking out, when they’re all on the outside trying to look in.
I don’t know what all the note would say exactly, I don’t know if I would just do up one note to send out to everyone, I guess in one sense I would. Everyone would get a base note but others would get a “EN” (Extended Note) to describe further on how I feel like I’ve let them down.
Well here we are, starting another week as the end of the year gets closer that much quicker. I see in this weeks forecast that snow is on it’s way all week long, I hate snow I’m sure I’m not the only one who does. Growing up in Canada I’m sure everyone is sick of it, usually snow also brings ice as well which is another thing I’m tired of not to mention these cold ass temperatures that come with the winter I guess it’s just another “welcome to Canada” but frankly I’m tired of it and it hasn’t even came full force yet.
With another week brings myself more sadness, not sure if anything is adding to it or not or just the fact that I’m more so generally sad. I don’t blame anyone for it since this is how I’ve been most of my life if not all of my life. I spend most of my time alone so I have a whole lot of downtime and alone time, so the sadness tends to kick in. This is just a general thing for me. I was on anti depressants for a while I first got a baby dosage, it didn’t do shit… I then got upped to the next level, it didn’t do shit. I then got dropped back to a baby dosage again but this time a different brand and that didn’t do shit but I then got upped to the next level of that and it didn’t do shit either. However I did get sent to a psychiatrist for my troubles who just kinda looked at me and didn’t understand much of what I said, honestly the guy had trouble speaking English I personally kinda found it funny. I didn’t laugh at the guy when I was there but after I left I chuckled to myself about what went on, it definitely made me scratch my head though. While sadness is on my mind I’ll post this:
I know I don’t have many friends, truth be told I’m a loner. I’ve always felt sorry for those who get to know me and not just those who just decide to talk to me once in a while but I mean those who really want to get to know me, your no doubt asking yourself “why”. Many times I happen to get sad, it depends on my level of trust for the person that I actually tell them when I’m sad or not. You know I trust you with my heart when I tell you that I’m sad. I’ve tried telling a friend or two in the past when I’m sad and they tend to freak out and run away, so I quit doing that. Most people who really get to know me often feel bad when I get sad because they feel like they can’t help me, it’s true it’s a tough thing to help. I won’t deny that, helping anyone whose sad is a tough thing to do. I think the best thing to do when someone is sad is just be there for them, talk to them. It doesn’t have to be about what’s making them sad but just spend time with them and let them know they’re not alone and that you actually truly do give a shit about that person. On that same note I’ve always told people who get really close to me I have always told them one simple line “Don’t say it, if it’s not true”. One of the worse things one can do is express feelings or emotions for you that are fake.
Alright well I guess I’m done here for another blog post, and for now I shall go.
So it appears that when I’m by myself I’m lonely and when I’m lonely then boredom happens and it happens frequently. I hate this, I have over 200 xbox one games and none of them sound good. I think I get bored really really easily and it bothers me cause it makes me sit and look at the wall more often than not. I feel sorry for people who hang out with me, they must think I’m one boring POS.
I never know what I want to do with my time.
I also have a playstation 4, but I don’t play it much.. The odd time I’ve thought about it, hell I’ve thought about going back to xbox 360 if it would help me get rid of my boredom but sadly… It doesn’t.
I think it’s because none of the games seem to facinate me, I thought about buying Star Wars Battlefront. Money isn’t the issue, the issue is I’m worried that if I do by the time I get it downloaded I’ll be bored and won’t want to play it.
I know I write but honestly as of late I’ve been feeling like I have to force stuff out, I don’t feel like it’s me anymore. I think in a few ways I just have to walk away from everything that I do to pass the time, even though I can see me starring at the wall for hours on end. But I think if that’s what I need to do then I should do it. Since right now I feel like all I’m doing is forcing myself to go from doing one thing to another,
I remember dropping coin on a 4TB external drive for my x1 so that I could download games anytime I want and it would all just sit there and wait for me to play it, well I feel like it’s just becoming a pain in the fucking ass right now. I feel like I don’t want to play those games, honestly nothing that’s out for the xbox one (x1) I care to play right now. I don’t know what I want to play.. I’m just bored and it bothers me ALOT. I’ve been listing games on ebay to sell, honestly I don’t know if I want to sell some of them but I keep selling them because I don’t know what else to do. I kinda would prefer to have the money right now, BUT there’s nothing I care to spend it on…
I usually load my computer up with programs I use but as of late I’m slowly removing everything because I just lost interest in it, but the worse thing is I keep beating myself up over it. When I’m bored my mind goes right to “lets play video games”
I know my Xbox Live Gold subscription needs to be renewed in April, at this point in time I don’t want to renew it. I keep buying games and I keep kicking myself over doing so because I don’t play them and they just sit.. I just don’t know what to do..
Well that’s my thoughts for the time being, guess i’ll go back to uninstalling stuff on here 😦